Testing: One, Two, Three


  • The litany of side effects. And more side effects.
  • Signature on waivers.
  • Signature on disclaimers.
  • Insurance pre-authorizations.
  • Acknowledgment of treatment.
  • Promissory note of payment.
  • Advance directive, next of kin.

I CAN do this.

I can DO this.

I can do THIS.

For the doctor, it’s simply business as usual, routine. Does she see me?   What’s happening inside?   Right now?   The hell of emotions at war inside, can she see that I’m fighting back fear, tears, confusion, and desperation?

Oh, God, help me, please!

People can be in partying mode, business mode, work mode, survival mode. Does anyone know the tenuous and desperate mode that I’m experiencing right now? The doctor is scaring the daylights right out of me, do I really have to go through this drug therapy? I don’t want to lose my hair or to be sick!      Who would ?!

I’m disappointed on an entirely new scale. Warp five, Scotty!  I’m falling into a vortex, miserable and scared.  To the bone. Thinking back on that day that I walked into a bank robbery in progress, the gun suddenly touching my temple.  HA!  That was nothing in comparison to the fear in the pit of my stomach right now!


Colorado by Marybeth Haydon

Feeling isolated. Self imposed? Must be, because He is with me; my Lord and Savior, Jesus. In my books I describe the many times that God has saved my life, healed me of the cancers, the lymphedema, and has set me free to love and serve Him. He has been training me while I hiked in the wilderness. Now, I am experiencing a spiritual wilderness; its a steep, difficult climb.  I need more training.  Yet deep within me, I know that as I persevere, meet this new challenge with Him at my side, it’ll be ok.

I’m going through more testing. Clearly. And from previous experiences, I know that I will come through this victorious. But I’m not looking forward to this round of drug therapy.  I will miss being on trail.  Very much.  I hate being sick, I really do.  Three to six months is a very long time.

 Well, I can simply look forward to full recovery and look at my saved photos frequently. Time to meditate, get to know the Lord more.  Read His word.  Pray.  Help others, reach out.  Reach beyond my own small, selfish world and live out  my Christianity. I can and will not just endure, but overcome this time of testing.  I look forward to health and quality time with my family.  I’m looking forward to getting back on trail.  Mostly, I’m looking forward to what I will learn from this trial, this test, from this particular wilderness because He is faithful and will not forsake me.  That much I have definately learned along my rocky, steep and often against-heart Christian path.                           It’s You and me, Lord.  Take my hand, please, and walk with me.


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